The laundry doesn’t seem to stop. We haven’t found the right nappies and there is wee everywhere.
No one likes to be poked around in the genital area. No wonder he cries during a nappy change.
I don’t want the cats to be scared of him. It’s a risk but I am going to let them investigate him and cuddle them whilst he is nearby.
Nappy then feed. Nappy then feed. Nappy eat sleep repeat.
His smile lights up my world.
I think I could stare at him all day.
On a good day, time passes so slowly. I’m so bored. Is this what I’m aiming for? Boredom instead of constant agitation?
How is it possible that he likes the things I like? Music and dancing. I love singing to him. What joy.
When do I find time for myself? It’s hard to brush my teeth let alone do self-care.
I’ve started to congratulate him on his farts and burps. They are a huge achievement and he is so pleased when they’re done.
I started singing the ‘I did my baby job’ song today, to celebrate him completing his poo. It’s a relief for us both when it’s over.
Coughing is a new experience for him. He was so relieved when he managed to resolve the tickling feeling with a cough. What an amazing thing to witness.
People talk to me on the street and on the bus. They are so friendly. I feel like a celebrity. B makes me feel like a celebrity.
Other parents smile at me. It’s like I’ve a joined a secret society of strangers who understand.
He turned his head towards the sound of the birds and the trickle of the stream. What a miracle to share. He is becoming aware of the beauty of nature. I’m so lucky to share these moments with him.
I think my head might explode waiting for F to come home from work. When will he return? I know what time to expect him but I wish I could make the clock hands move faster.
The witching hour has begun. Will I survive? Will it ever end?
How will I ever manage when F goes back to work? I think I might cry just at the thought of being alone with B all day every day.
I started motivational speaking to B today. I wasn’t sure whether I was talking to him or me. Either way, it seemed to work. Phrases like: you can do it! I believe in you. You’re doing so well. It will be ok. You are so brave. In the end, it calmed us both.
I realised the cats aren’t replaced by B. My relationship with them is different. I get something different from them and they give me something different. Their needs are different to B’s. It is possible for everyone to co-exist and for everyone to feel loved. I am so relieved. It will be ok.
He reminds me so much of Nana before she died. New life is so close to its end. The breathing, drinking, tight muscles, not being able to speak. Dignity and comfort are so important.
There is an answer. B doesn’t seem to cry randomly (apart from on some awful days). It’s a process of elimination but I feel great when I work it out.
It is possible to let the crying go through me - to centre myself in my feet, in my breathing, and focus on the task. It means I don’t talk to B or soothe him as much, but when I remember he needs to know he’s not alone, I do start talking to him again. It’s such a relief when nappy time is over.
If someone picked me up every time I tossed and turned in my sleep, I would cry too. I’ve got to resist the urge to fuss and stare. He likes looking at faces a lot.
B quacks - he gives me warning signals that he’s uncomfortable or needs something. It’s like he’s moving his little paw closer to the big red button of all the alarms going off at the same time and he’s saying to me, I don’t want to do it! Help me mummy.
I wish I could lie back and watch some tv in peace. No such luck - it is the witching hour and it will never end.
B lives so much in the present moment. He’s fascinated by everything around him, particularly the window. It’s all so new. If I let him, he’ll keep me in the moment too.
F’s face lights up when B smiles at him. My world is complete.
Oh my god there’s so much poo it went up his back. What do I do with these clothes?!