The Blob Revisited

When you look back you wonder, how much did I ignore? How much did I tolerate? There have been so many arguments, so many wasted tears over something your partner will never understand. You now realise just how little they comprehend the impact the Blob has,, and will only ever be able to guess at. There is nothing that can be done to cure Invisible Blob Syndrome.

The memories come back, the treasured ones, the foundational stories of how your relationship began. The signs of Invisible Blob Syndrome were all there. You registered them but didn’t know what they meant. What does that say about you? Did you simply see what you wanted to see, or were your differences really not a problem back then?

These revisions of the fundamentals, they shake you. You wonder whether you’ve been living in a dream of your own making. Illusions shattered now, you carry on, trying to make things work. Other things matter in a relationship too, right? Things like honesty, kindness… all those things matter, right?

But… maybe he hasn’t been that kind. What about the gaslighting? When he more or less overtly told you, you were crazy? Well, you say to yourself, that behaviour sort of makes sense. There’s some kind of narrative that explains it.  

But, there have been so many times when your partner’s reactions exacerbated the Blob. It was terrifying enough already and after speaking the Blob became unimaginably worse, almost too heavy to bear. 

They’ll never understand how their behaviour affects the Blob, you think. They’ll never even be able to guess. If you want your partner to know, you’ll have to explain the experience, which is it’s own kind of torture when you’re already struggling.

But, you say to yourself, you did bear the weight of the Blob. Your shoulders have become broader. You’ve become stronger, not weaker as a result of this syndrome. You’ve learned how to manage the Blob, and you’ve created a network of people who can help you through it as well.

Your partner didn’t react well to the diagnosis. You tried reading, and applying new strategies and being considerate of the fact that the Blob is not visible to everyone, but your partner resented this. Resented you, in fact. Pushed you away. Picked fights unexpectedly. Threw things. Kicked things. You didn’t really know what to do. Except, you thought to yourself, well, maybe this is a result of having The Invisible Blob Syndrome; maybe this behaviour will never change. After all, you’ve seen behaviour like this in the past. Maybe this is the way it will always be.

You summon up the courage to say it’s over. That your partner is the way they are and there’s nothing to be done about it, but this dynamic is not what you wanted. And maybe you can’t make your partner happy, and it’s time to accept this.

After long discussions, your partner admits they think the optician made a mistake. It doesn’t make sense, I can see perfectly fine, they say, and always have.

You dig a little deeper, and the changes you made to accommodate the new diagnosis have caused your partner to think about harming themselves. After the conversation where you said it was over, they have repeated thoughts that they want to kill themselves.

You think, ok. Right, now is not the time for talk of ending things. We need to keep the ship steady. You do all the right things, make the environment at home as calm as possible, try and listen carefully and deeply to the stresses your partner identifies and make as much space for them to recuperate as possible.

The stress for you builds up though. You’re underperforming at work and you’re terrified someone is going to notice. The Blob hangs over you, like a mist that obscures your vision. You can only see one step at a time. Maybe, you think, that’s for the best. Maybe that’s all I can cope with. Just scrape by, you tell yourself. Find ways to manage.

Work do notice and they ask you to step down from the part of your work you enjoy the most. You realise they are trying to help you manage your stress, but you resent your partner for putting you in this situation in the first place. You thank work for their suggestion and tell them you’ll seriously consider their suggestions.

Meanwhile your partner is beginning to stabilise. The risk of self harm decreases and professionals become involved, which provides much more lasting stability. You reach the festive holidays and are ready to collapse into a heap, but there’s still so much more to do. The shopping, the cooking, the wrapping, the visiting…you keep your head down and get to the finish line. Come Christmas Eve you think, thank god! I made it. Now for a few days off.

But in the last couple of weeks, you’ve begun to resent how little your partner understands their effect on the Blob, and how the Blob in turn, impacts you. You have to deal with both of them in tandem, and frankly, it’s too much.

Christmas day is a disaster. You spend most of it screaming or crying. Sometimes in private, other times in front of extended family. The day ends with you drinking a lot of alcohol, which eases some of the pain.

Maybe you are crazy, you think. Maybe your partner was right after all. You secretly think you are ungrateful. After all, your partner has done everything right, got diagnosed, told you their struggles, sought help and is stabilising. What more could you want? 

This situation is getting better but is unlivable. How is that possible? In the process of your partner being honest with you, you’ve lost the ability to be honest with them. What’s the point in describing resentment for something they can’t do anything about? There’s nothing to talk about.

All of this begins to feel like a life wasted, like a long string of poor choices that you have only yourself to blame for. Friends tell you not to blame yourself. You tried really hard. If you want out of this relationship now, don’t be afraid.

You find yourself, yet again, at a junction. Live with someone who will never understand the impact of the Blob, but who has basically good values and always does their best. Or ditch it all in the hope that there really is something better out there. Maybe someone out there can help you manage the Blob.

Commitment or hope… Which matters more?

What kind of person do you want to be?