In my late teens, my mum told me about a longitudinal study that demonstrated beyond reasonable doubt that happiness is indeed infectious. Having a close knit circle of happy friends is likely to help your friends’ friends’ friends be happy! What a thought.
But the evidence shows a similar principle at work with unhappy friends. Your friends’ friends’ friends will be unhappy if you are!
Towards the end of my university degree, this really hit home, as I realised that spending time with unhappy people was affecting my mood. In time, I slowly managed to create distance between myself and the people I felt had different values to me.
This process really worked, but was quite anxiety-inducing. But at the end of it all, I was much happier for putting some distance between myself and those whose cynicism was sapping my energy.
This concept of maintaining healthy boundaries has been in vogue for some time now, to the point where gen z has sometimes been accused of ‘ghosting’ their friends or romantic interests too easily, when things get a little difficult. So, a curiously titled article from a psychodynamic perspective on life-enhancing power of being ‘selfish’ caught my eye. In it was a thought provoking passage:
‘Perhaps that is also part of why it is so hard to say no; we don’t want to hurt the ones we love. We don’t want to cause them pain, or anger or frustration. As if that pain, anger and frustration are unbearable. As if these feelings are not an important part of life – equally as meaningful and worthwhile as joy or love, though perhaps far less wanted.
It is something I find myself struggling with every day as a mother. Because although I find it hard to say no, I also know that a child who is never told no is robbed of the opportunity to learn that being told no is a bearable, survivable and often a helpful experience. If I as a parent am so terrified of my child’s pain, my child may well come to experience their emotions as overwhelming, terrifying things to be avoided at all costs – as something she needs to be protected from, rather than something vital she needs to feel.’
What an empowering thought - by saying no to B I am giving him the opportunity to learn that he will survive and actually things might work out better than either he or I expected.
I think back to times when life didn’t work out the way I had planned - career disappointments or arguments in my relationships. Looking back, these experiences of hearing ‘no’ were hugely formative for me. I survived not getting what I wanted; if anything they made me a stronger, more resilient person.
Today, B had quite a screaming fit as I took him away from his toys and upstairs to take a bath (the first of many, I thought to myself). I could see the tiredness sweeping over him and I decided to call it - no more toy time.
It was curiously satisfying feeling completely and utterly confident that not only would he survive this experience of hearing no, but that he would be cleaner, more comfortable and better rested as a result.
And so, as the screaming continued into the bathroom, it simply washed over me. Him being upset is ok. It will pass, like all emotions do. I’m giving him the opportunity to realise not getting his way is actually ok!
These thoughts ‘immunised’ me from ‘catching’ his unhappiness. And so the wails slowly abated as he remembered the joys of being warm and availed himself of his bath toys, and he fell asleep, clean, warm and comforted not long after.
‘No’ is a truly powerful word indeed.
Comentários